It was approximately two hours into my bus ride to Manual Antonio when the tears hit. Frustrated, I thought, “God, if you’re real, you’ll help me feel better.” Just seven months before, I begged the universe to help me make my study abroad trip to Costa Rica a reality. And there I was, choking on tears, living in the middle of a prayer and complaining about it.
I embarked on this journey intending to find myself and silence the voices of old programming. I questioned who I was beyond my conditioning? I wondered whether I could discover a new version of myself beyond who I thought I was? I anticipated this new growth to feel uncomfortable and challenging, but not like this. Three thousand six hundred and nine miles away from home, three weeks into my program, and I was ready to bow out.
This feeling continued for days as I forced myself to wear a fake smile while I pushed through my day the best I could. And then one afternoon I finally fell apart at the seams, crying for what seemed like hours, and unlocking a depth of self-loathing that I’d never felt before. I quickly picked up the phone and called my mom, sister, and friends hoping that someone could pluck the self-doubt from my heart. I was consistently met with the same words “But Mari, you are so courageous and brave to be doing something like this”. I didn’t feel courageous, intelligent, or brave. I felt stupid and utterly helpless, knowing that I willingly left my entire life behind for a new life I had to learn to live.
I decided to call my aunt, who I knew could somewhat empathize with this dark moment I had found myself in, considering that she had studied abroad during her undergrad. I could feel the pressure in my head building from crying all afternoon as I let my sadness free for the last time that day. She listened intently as a look of understanding washed over her. “Sometimes it’s enough to exist,” she said. “This period doesn’t have to BE anything.”
She continued, “Whether your experience is good or bad will be up to you to decide, if you end up hating this, it will still be worth it because then at least you know you tried.” Suddenly, I felt a sense of calm, recognizing that I was hearing something profound.
At that moment I remembered that I didn’t choose to move to Costa Rica because it would be easy. Nothing about expanding past one’s limitations is a cake walk. In many ways, this new chapter of my life is supposed to feel exactly like this. In the moments where I feel as though I am losing myself, it’s because a brand new possibility is emerging.
Leaving familiarity for the opportunity to learn more about the world around me is the scariest thing I’ve done thus far. It may be an experience that I come to appreciate or regret, but I’m proud that I still decided to do it anyway. As far as learning how to leave my life behind, there’s no secret formula, no step-by-step guide to ease into a process like this. Sometimes in life, you have to let go first and figure out the rest later.
msoull 
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